


Hinata In The Closet

by aionslittlerodent, GreyGalaxies



Category: 50 Shades of Grey - E. L. James, Bob the Builder, Haikyuu!!, Mystic Messenger (Video Game), Shrek Forever After (2010)
Genre: Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't Try This At Home, F/F, F/M, Gen, HAHA IT IS TOBIO HERE, IVE SEEN FUCKING ASH AND EVERY SINGLE POKEMON IN AN ORGY WRITTEN IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, JUMIN IS EVERYONES FAVE DADDY, M/M, Multi, Not a Parody, Other, Revenge, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, THE FICS ON HERE ARE HORRENDOUS, THE THINGS IVE SEEN, and a bottle of water to quench all your thirsts, for every kudos ill give you a FREE! oxygen molecule, for every read i give 1 fuck, get ur dicks out for the fic, is - Freeform, sit ur asses down bc this ride is lit, the only better ride than this is my magnum dong, this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:45:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7488513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aionslittlerodent/pseuds/aionslittlerodent, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyGalaxies/pseuds/GreyGalaxies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>omg guys i got pokemon go i walked 18000 steps today compared to the usual 12000 im gon get fIT fucking firm daichi thighs</p></blockquote>





	1. how many volleyballs can u fit up ur ass leave an answer in the comments

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aionslittlerodent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aionslittlerodent/gifts).



It was night time, because all angsty fics begin in the dark, and the sound of stones being kicked interrupted the tranquil silence. 

A ginger kid with a deformed face and height insecurities was crying while taking his inner rage out on some stones. This wasn't new, however, because this kid had issues. 

The tears were probably brought on from his front camera opening rather than some dank memes- especially Shrek memes.

 

(Shrek, well, Shrek introduced him to puberty.

Now, I am aware what you’re currently thinking. And let me assure you I won't be tainting the greatest anime of all time with HIM. Him being Hinata.)

 

The crying kid with hair the same colour as a runny shit after an extra hot Nandos finally sat down on some steps. It’s in that moment in which people felt sorry for him, mostly because he looked like a 7 year old reject, but all in all received a few sympathetic looks from drivers going by.

But this was when it all started.

This was when the boi turned into a man. 

 

            *        *         *        *

  
  
  


_ “Hinata!” Shouted Kageyama as he tossed the volleyball with such savageness Hinata struggled to keep calm, leaping with his eyes squinted, knees weak, arms spaghetti.  _

Echos of yesterday haunted the court.

_ “And then she said that she fit an entire basketball up there-” _

_ “TANAKA, PLEASE!” Shouted Nishinoya. _

Hinata finally hit the switch and the lights illuminat(i)ed the place. It was 2am.

_ “Baka!” Said Tsukki angrily as the ball bounced away from him and slowly and sensuously made its way towards Hinata.  _

  
He’ll never forget the first touch.Like losing his virginity- except there's only a 30% chance of catching a sexually transmitted disease from the school's volleyball.

And it was that first touch that would lead to another, and another and another. 

Suddenly, the court doors opened and Oikawa stood there naked, grinning widely from one side of his face to the other. But, as evident, his smile wasn't his biggest feature.

 

 

 

(To be continued because I'm tired and need to take out my false lashes. It's 11:43pm and I'm struggling to keep my eyes open smh I'm weak.)


	2. Thick half-pounder anaconda from space gets hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg guys i got pokemon go i walked 18000 steps today compared to the usual 12000 im gon get fIT fucking firm daichi thighs

“Oikawa-san-chan-sir-daddy-yama….?” Questioned the midget who was incapable of keeping his thoughts to himself.

“Why are you here?”  Finally, the character manages to say something of worth.

“waIT- ARE YOU HERE TO SPY ON ME?!”

I take that back.

 

The current situation was that at 2am Hinata had cum to his empty volleyball court after listening to Hallelujah and remembering he was ginger. After turning on the lights and having war flashbacks, Oikawa, his opponent, swaggered in naked.

 

Oikea said nothing, still smiling and looking Hinata ~~gay~~ straight in the eye.

He got a boner.

“Oikawaii…..I can see your huge, throbbing, salt and vinegar, vegan, ginormous, monster dong.”

Oiakkwa raised an eyebrow in fake shock. Fucking gemini’s. “Oh, really?”

He took a stride forward, motioning towards Hinata whose eyes lay staring at his dickle dackle no-no carrot.

“Uhhh……” *gulp*

 

Then the door bashed open and another person came barging in. _Another one_. Because anime characters don’t sleep apparently.

Oinkawa didn't even look behind him before Iwa-chan’s big man hands grabbed his waist and lifted him up over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift. (Every girls wet dream)

Suddenly, Okikwa’s body flopped and an awkward silence occurred in the court. Sighing, Iwa-chan explained “When he finally manages to fall asleep he ends up sleepwalking. And when he sleep walks, oh BOI, does he.” Just before turning away into the night he quietly said “And don't tell anyone.”

Then Hinata was alone again.

“Alright! Let’s do this-” Trusty Rusty waddled over to the sports cupboard and slowly opened it, checking for anyone behind him. He stepped in looking for his volleyball. “Honey, I’m home.” No sign of it anywhere.

Hinata had finally lost his V.


	3. Welcum to the dark side, Honata, we have dank memes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to my weeb gf -if ur reading this i saw you changed my name on the group chat to fucking nupples u asshat >:(

There he was. Sitting. Rocking. Without his balls he was lost, without them he was incomplete, and terrified. 

Honiata remembered what his daddy had told him. 

_ “BAKA! SHUT THE EFF UP YOU GINGER LITTLE CU-”  _

No- wait- wrong flashback

_ “Hinata, you should always put the equipment back in the cupboard.”  _

_ “Why Daichi?”  _

_ “Because there’s a problematic demon that gets very crusty and try to murder everyone with her creepy voice….and if things get out of place or missing…..get out.” _

But Hiantitty couldnt make himself get out of the cupboard. He felt like he would be betraying his babies, those volleyballs were his very life source! 

(not quite ketchup though.)

 

Suddenly, the door slammed shut and the ginger nut biscuit was left to fend for himself in the dark.

_ This is bad.  _ He thought.  _ This is very bad,  _

He attempted to open it, panicking, but it was completely jammed. The fuckboy had to fast and furiously blink to make sure his eyes weren’t closed, it was _that_ dark.

At first, all he could hear was his breathing, but then, listening really closely, he heard a very faint whisper…

_“We are…”_

Hooita was frozen in fear. What sort of monster-

_ “We are the….” _

He squeezed his eyes shut and huddled deeper into the corner.

_ “We are the new…” _

The monster’s voice got louder and closer...

_ “We are the new Americana..” _

The yung boi then sprang for the door handle in a fearful frenzy.

“ _We are the new Americana_

_ High on legal marijuana _

_ Raised on Biggie and Nirvana _

_ We are the new Americana” _

This was it. Kn..knife….nuff...nice knowing you (not really) Hinata. 

 

“AGHHHHHHHHH!” The personally undeveloped main character jolted upwards. His terror turned to confusion as the door was open and the cupboard was half lit. (af)

“It must have been a dream.” He mumbled to himself. 

However, the other side of the cupboard was still dark. 

And his volleyballs were still missing. 

He was gonna have to do this. But he didn't have the balls!

On the dark side of the cupboard, there were rumours of hidden doors and a maze of many rooms. Spook.

Hands shaking and nupples quivering he tried to gather the courage to go on this quest to find his volleyballs. 

 

“Nothing is impossible!” Shouted a mysterious voice. He turned around to find a jedi ghost of the one and only. “What are you waiting for!”

Sexy shirtless actual cannibal Shia Labeouf.

The copper coward grabbed his conveniently place short stick that was suddenly in the cupboard when he needed it most.

Master Shia caressed his neck softly, “Just Do It.”

Hinata stepped into the dark.

He did it.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but seriously have you ever put a volleyball up your butt??? ^_^ bet you cant beat my record


	4. Everytime we Touch Cascada feat Tsukki feat My Dignity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only get the drive to write these at 2am when im having a sugar rush and listening to All Star 'Somebody once destroyed me' remix on loop

 

Hinata stepped forward into the dark yet tempting abyss of darkness, he wanted that volleyball and that volleyball wanted him.

Fists clenched making unrealistic leather sounds, the flaming cheeto took another step-

_ Brrrrrrrrr  _

A wild Ratatataata appeared!

He sighed, got out his phone and used his thumb to flick at the CP minus 10 rodent. After using up all 200 pokeballs he realised he literally just needed his butthole finger to aim. 

Hinata stared at his boxers.  _ How cum all the pokeballs drop _

_                                              But mine dont _

Tsukki appeared from the darkness in his dinosaur boxers, disappointed. “Get outta my swamp.”

“No! Why are you here Tsukki? Are you here to help me?!”

Tsukki threw his head back and chuckled with a smug grin on his face. 

“You fool, this cupboard is a Pokemon gym AND has free wifi. I’ve been pacing up and down here for hours.”

“Did you see the indie monster?”

“Oh- Halsey? Pffft she only comes in here to give me blow jobs. It means she has 2 minutes of being quiet so everyone wins.”

“Only two minutes?”

Tsukki broke out into sweat.

 

Hinata tried not to giggle and attempted sophisticated hand gestures. 

“If you help me find my volleyballs I’ll stay silent. “

“Sure, there may be pokemon- what team?”

“Insti-”

“Actually I change my mind I’m staying here BUT will message you.”

Hinata gulped, flattered he actually would.

“But,” Began Tsukki “Only because I don’t wanna know what you’re planning to do with those balls.”

Shocked. Hurt. Turned on. Hinata’s face went bright red.

“You don’t understand… our love….. And in matches...I look at my hands. Where we’ve touched. 

'Cause every time we touch, I get this feeling

And every time we kiss I swear I could fly

Can't you feel my heart beat fast,

I want this to last

Need you by my side

'Cause every time we touch, I feel the static

And every time we kiss I reach for the sky

Can't you hear my heart beat so

I can't let you go

Want you in my life”

 

Tsukki was already gone before Rusty could finish his dramatic solo. Determined, he set off with invisible Shia LaBeef and the 110 Ratatitties in his local area by his side. Nothing could stop him. He was going to play with his balls and noone could stop him. 

Suddenly,  _ CRASH  _     he fell through the wooden floor boards and kept falling and falling and falling…...

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's gonna put the volleyball up his ass fyi


	5. Seduced in the Swamp- IwaOgre and DonkeyKawa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have depersonalization/derealization disorder and want to die - send hate in the comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IwaOgre's fat green fingers swifty gripped around it and stroked back and fourth. Washing cucumbers sure was hard.

It was 6am and quiet in his swamp, just the way he liked it. Just him, his vasaline and his cucumber. And it was at that moment he knew that this evening was going to be a big load of fun. He wouldnt have a throbbing, headache from noise and would be able to sit with his legs wide open and just r e l a x. a aa a h hhh.

Well, until

"TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES MY NAME'S-"

"YAAAAAAAAAAA!" The cucumber dropped to the floor. "DONKEYKAWA HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TELL Y OU - GET -"

"OUTTA-"

"-MY-"

"-SWAMP!"

Donkeykawa looked so proud of himself and lunged at the comfty sofa, all four legs and crusty tail curled up.

"Iwaogre, I brought waffles, high school musical, we can stay up, cuddle, gossip, do each other nails and suck each other's-"

"ENOUGH!" Iwaogre threw his hands above his head, snarling.

"-lollipops.." whispered donkeykawa.

Heavy sighing, IwaOgre bent down (whilst donkeykawa managed an eyeful) to pick up the now ruined cucumber. So much for tonight.

"So, IwaOgre....."

"Waht........." He tensed up, his green fists clenched, his face turned away, waiting.

"If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled sam peppers;  
A peck of pickled sam peppers Peter Piper picked;  
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled sam peppers,  
Where's the peck of pickled sam peppers Peter Piper picked?"

That was enough for iwaogre and he threw a lamp, turning from green to a darker shade of green, like his gigantic, humungas, dong.

"GET OUT YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And he managed to kick the donkey hard enough out the window until he landed just outside the swamp, the window super smash(ed) bros.

 

When donkeykawa landed on the patch of mud he was sad. No doubt. Wouldn't you?? I mean, after all, bae just kicked his ass.

He planned to sadly masturbate to Rick Astley tonight.

He also missed his waifu pillow which he secretly grinded on a little and felt guilty about it. Thats right, im attacking all you weeaboos. Fight me, im a black belt in whipping.

Butt then, like a meteor on fire, something orange fell from the sky. Donkeykawa was pretty sure it was a squirrel so went to investigate.

 

When arriving at the fallen thing, he realised he was right. It was a squirrel.

It spoke, "Gwah!"

A mentally disabled squirrel.

"Where am I and why are you here?" The thing asked.

"Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me, my problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me! But ya gotta have friends..."

"I'm friends with a volleyball. Have you seen it? Gwahhhhhh!"

"No? I think you may have fallen into a different dimension, my boi."

The squirrel nodded. "Yeah, I think youre right."

 

Then IwaOgre appeared from behind. Just like in Donkeykawa's dreams.

"Yoohoo! Long time no see, Ogre-chan. So nice to see you. You still doing the cucumber thing?"

IwaOgre smiled. "Finished, it was a load of work. But i came here to see if youre okay. You dont really take care of yourself much or go to bed on ti-"

"IwaOgre are you my mum?"

"Shut the fuck up I'm youre daddy- OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS TH I N G?!"

"My name," It spoke, starting to stand up. "Is Hinata. And I'm looking for my balls."

The donkey looked at the Ogre and said "All of a sudden, I feel invincible."


	6. oh my god it is tobio's first chapter and here cums hinata!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suns out guns out hinata showyotits is on a wild quest to find his volleyballs and his dignity but so far he hasn't found either. can't say i've found my dignity either lololol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello I am that weeb gf that was mentioned earlier uwu im a garden hoe for what is to cum in this fic (hint: it's hinata again jfc keep it in ur pants ginger fucko) if u want to kinkshame me then you can find me at seven--zero--seven.tumblr.com

A quest.

The young, hung, gingerbread fucker named Hinata squawked, explaining what he wanted IwaOgre and Donkeykawa to do (HIS ASSGHOLE) to help get the volleybabes back. Hinata was only capable of making fucking annoying noises and stupid hand gestures, just like back on earth, where everyone hated him. (go fuk urself hianta)

“So, you know, like nyah~, I need my balls back. IwaOgre-s-senpai, you nico nico know the area and I want you with me, UWAHHHHHh. Donkeykawa, you can just cum along for the ride” (ON IWAIZUYMIS MAGNUM DONG)

The thought of spending time with Hinata _and_ Donkeykawa for potentially days gave IwaOgre an immediate headache and an erection lasting for four hours which he had to get checked out by a doctor and then he finally returned to give his answer to Hinata.

“Fuck off you ginger wankstain.”

That was it. Hinata's heart shattered into tiny pieces and went into cardiac arrest but was brought back by the mere thought of getting his tiny ass hands on the volleyballs again. Disheartened but totally ready to find the volleyballs, Hinata began to bound away, jumping so high he almost was 4/20 blazing that shit.

Daddykawa um I mean Donkeykawa was in disbelief that such a wonderful opportunity had passed and called out to the ginger cretin. “Your volleyballs might be that way Chibi-chan-san-senpai!!” DongerKAWA dabbed in the general direction of the end the mysterious route that could possibly hold those round orbs that made Hinata's dick throb and made me fucking kinkshame him.

Hinata bounced along in the direction that Shittykawa had dabbed, when suddenly, oh my gosh, his Samsung Galaxy Note 7 buzzed once. Amazingly, it hadn't exploded yet (I can always dream). He gwahed loudly when he saw that beautiful golden “M” notification in the corner of his screen, and promptly opened the app that is Mystic Messenger, marvelling that he had got Jumin's bad route. The photo showed his character tied up all ready for everyone's favourite daddy Jumin Han who is also a bit douchey but that's okay we can gloss over that for now Hinata is way worse. Hinata nutted harder than I do when I see top quality fanart on tumblr.cum and it notified the aliens in the sky that an unknown source was emitting a lot of power, prompting them to start an investigation. Before he could clean up his jizzums, his phone buzzed again, an unknown caller was contacting him...

BACK ON EARTH

It was close to evening and Karasuno started their practice, led by the one and only Daddychi Thighchi Sourmura and his partner in crime Sugarwahra Kowshee (check that cheeky police reference out go kinkshame me fuckos). Without Hinata around, it was unbelievably quiet, aside from the random shouts from Tanaka and Noya who were total bros, the broiest that ever did bro.

“Does anyone know where our yung lad, the Archbishop of Banterbury Hinata Shouyou is?” Dadchi asked to all his young crow children.

Silence.

A grin grew on everyone's faces, glad to be rid of the little shit, and loud cheers erupted. The usually reserved Tsukishima Kei more like Tsukishima Gay amirite screamed in happiness, breaking out into sobs. He had waited for this day for a long time, Hinata always talked shit about dinosaurs which was totally his kink and Tsukki never wanted to see the little ginger weiner again, especially not in volleyball practice where he had witnessed Hinata doing things he never wanted to see again, and actually led to Tsukishima pouring bleach into his eyes which is why he wears glasses if you were wondering.

The commotion on the court was interrupted by a louder commotion outside.

“O shit ladz, get your dicks out, I don't make the rules okay, but **HE** is here!” Daichi yelled.

Who is it you ask? You gotta wait to find out...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well wasn't that exciting for daddy devitos first chapter i did this and finished it at 1am instead of doing my coursework which is actually due at 8.45am so you have all been blessed


	7. somebODY ONCE TOLD ME oi ka  w  a  wanted to be-probbbbbbbbbed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So far:  
> Hinata wanted to fuck a volleyball late at night but couldnt find them in the cupboard.  
> Oikawa sleepwalks naked.  
> Tsukki stays up playing pokemon go in the gym at night secretly and bribes hinata to not say anything by promising he will help him on his quest to find the volleyballs. (through social media)  
> Someone let the Halsey monster out.  
> The ghost of shia labeouf led him deeper into the cupboard.  
> Hinata fell through into another dimension - Shreks swamp.  
> Oikawa is donkey and Iwazumi is Shrek.  
> Hinata has been down there for a whole day and is missing from volleyball practice.  
> Tsukki is overjoyed.  
> Dachi wants to get his dick out for something.  
> The only way for Hinata to get out of this dimension is to contact aliens.  
> And YOU - yes YOU, the reader - now need therapy.  
> Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is GreyGalaxies again. Im sorry about last chapter. He let his kinks free. Pray for me if we ever have a regular sex life. I wont make it- every day gets worse- we cant even walk past a police car fam- a police cAR
> 
> CAR

**In Anime Dimension no.4206669**

Diachi saw him. In the corner of his eye. A legend. Him.

"Dicks out. Now" He ordered.

Slowly, everyone started to get their dicks out.

But what did this mean?

Then, mid- dick- out, Tsukki's phone buzzed.

"TSUKKI, DILDOS OFF AND AWAY PLEASE- HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TODAY?!"

"Sorry Daichi-" But as he glanced down at it he saw it was Hinata and read the message.

_T-succ, will aliens helpp me get out of the Far Far Away dimension? IwaOgre and Donkeykawa are with me now so i should be safe?? Miss u bby xxxxoxoxox_

~~Why am I writing this I want to die~~

 

**In Far Far Away Dimension**

_G a y_

_G   a    y_

_G   ay  es  t    Gay_

_G a     y_

_Ga  ye      r_

_G_

_A_

_Y_

 

"Whats going ON?" Asked IwaOgre worridly. Donkeykawa was about to open his mouth but it happened again...

 

_G_

_A_

_Y_

 

_IM  
_

_G_

_A_

_Y_

_I'M_

 

Hinata's heart raced as he looked around and suddenly hearing a rustling in the bushes "LISTEN, I think it's trying to COMMUNICATE!"

(Big word hinata, calm down, although not big enough for your asshole's pleasure, I'm _sure_ \- rusty slut ;) )

Then, outjumped a man in a green, tight suit. He looks up at you, eyes squinted slightly, smirk streching up on the  right side of his face, arms tense and squatting. His face full of intensity as he says two words you'll never forget.

" _I'm   Gay_ "

Then he disappeared. His last words before he faded. "hashtag.... nn  o ooo    ch i n"

 

Hinata looked confused, and up at Donkeykawa who dabbed him goodbye.

"That-" He said. "Was the alien messenger. We call him iDubbz. "

"So...so... they're here?? To take me home- back to the cupboard?"

IwaOgre smiled and grabbed his Ass. "Donkeykawa," He said to it. "I'm glad this disabled squirrel is finally getting the help it needs"

                                                                                 "HOLY MOLEY"

 

Then suddenly there it was. The mothership. Otherwise known as the Amyship.

The lovers urged their disabled pet squirrel towards the light.

"Let them take you home. Get help. Mostly for that face but...." Whispered Donkeykawa.

Hinata sighed and motioned forward towards the light.

"Just to let you know, I'm not a disabled squirrel."

Donkeykawa and IwaOgre sadly glanced at each other.

"He's in denial.... bless.."

Then, suddenly, the light landed on Donkeykawa.

 

 

**In Anime Dimension no.4206669**

They bowed down to him. Dicks out.

_Why hasnt he answered his iwatch yet? His idab? His ibrow?_ Thought Tsukki, worried. What if Hinata never got the message, what if he told everyone about his Go! addiction. His homosexual love for pikachu was a deep dark secret.

_Imagine_

People finding out that he was aroused by and emotionally attached to 2D fictional characters.

Embarrassing!

 

Every Karasuno player were on their knees, bowing..

He rose.

He was giant.

He was strong.

He claimed.

He had the volleyballs.

He

Was

Back.

 

Diachi looked up, eyes swelling.

"Harambe..."


End file.
